Cooperstown: Who's on First?

I'm in Cooperstown for two weeks with my baseball playing 12-year old, participating in a summer ritual familiar to serious baseball parents throughout the country. Every summer, Cooperstown Dreamspark runs weekly tournaments at a facility so stunningly perfect in baseball terms that it lives up to its own advertising as the Little Major Leagues.

In most respects, my baseball adventure is identical to that of the 15,000 other baseball families who come here each year. We will win impossible games on walk off home runs by the small kid who has never hit one before, or we will be mercied, maybe even by teams we should have beaten. We will learn about baseball, and we will learn about character. We will take photographs and buy T-shirts. But in one way, my experience is different.

You see, my 12-year old ball player is a girl. And even at Cooperstown Dreamspark, where "dreams come true," they don't sell a little brother's T-shirt that says, "I have no life, my SISTER plays baseball."

At Cooperstown last week, there were 1400 boys competing, and 6 girls. In America, girls don't play baseball. Some of this is by choice; some of it is because they are refused the opportunity by schools which still prohibit girls from participating in America's pasttime.

In my particular corner of the law, I am still often the only woman. I am accustomed to walking into large conference rooms or courtrooms, and finding I am alone in a group of 40 men. I have never been uncomfortable. In truth, I rather like it. But I'm not 12 and still growing into my adult self, and while I may meet the occasional old-timer who is a little confused by me, no one, absolutely no one, ever tells me I can't do what I'm doing.

My daughter's world is tougher than mine, perhaps more like the women entering the legal world in the '60's and '70's, but the rules are the same. And they are, I think, a good reminder that while it may be easier now for women in law than it was thirty years ago, and while we may bend these rules more now than ever before, they still apply and we break them at our peril.

Here are some things my daughter--let's call her Ursa--has already had to learn.

To succeed as a girl in a boy's game:

• It is not enough to be good. You have to be better. You may have to be the best.

Ursa is a very good player, but she is not the best. She is good enough to make every team she tries out for, but she is not so good that they HAVE to have her. Often, that alone makes all the difference. They will not change rules for her (e.g., at a school that does not allow girls to play), and she depends on having "enlightened" coaches who see only a ballplayer, not a ballplayer with a ponytail.

• Walk like a boy. Talk like a boy.

As a female in a male world, it's important to fit in and not call attention to one's femaleness. In my world, that requires a certain comfort level with off-color jokes and sports banter.

For Ursa, it is the same. She loves her Cooperstown team because they accept her completely. The proof? They don't stop being crude 12-year old boys when she enters a room. And when Ursa takes the field (and no where else), she lopes along in the same rangy saunter of her team mates, shoulders slouched, head bobbing. If it weren't for the ponytail, you'd never know she is a girl.

I have met many girl ballplayers in the last few years. Off the field, some are girly, some are not, like any collection of adolescent girls. But on the field, they are all the same. They all walk like boys. Very young, they realized this was their ticket to admission into the clubhouse.

• No short shorts.

Ursa is lucky enough to play very occasionally on a national all-girls exhibition team as well as her usual, local boys' teams. The girls' team competes against boys at big tournaments (including Cooperstown), and at such tournaments, her coach has only one piece of advice that Ursa never gets from her other coaches:

"No short shorts. We want to be remembered for our play on the field; not how we dressed off the field."

Women lawyers have much more freedom in dress now than when I entered the profession, but the fact remains. If you want to be sure you are taken seriously, be remembered for your play on the field, not the cut of your blouse.

____________

Each fall, I take Ursa to tryouts for her spring and summer teams. Some of those teams are highly competitive, and the tryouts are huge. Ursa is always the only girl. I cannot describe the feeling of 200 pairs of male eyes simultaneously pretending not to notice my girl. But I can relay the whispered comments: "Get a load of that pony tail!" "Oh, this is going to be rich."

Some how, Ursa finds the courage to close her ears, time and again, and she saunters to the practice mound, seemingly oblivious.

She looks in. She sets. She deals.

And the snickers are no more: "Hey, that girl can throw!"

That 12-year old is my hero. After all, you can learn a lot from a kid.

For girls' baseball opportunities and to learn more about girls' baseball, visit http://www.baseballforall.com/ and http://www.girlsplaybaseball.org/.

(Way Too) Close to You

Has anyone else noticed that, when sitting three-by-three in airline steerage, men are alotted both armrests, and women are alotted no more than one and often none? Or more specifically, men take both armrests as a right, and women do not take any, unless they are seated next to other women, in which case, each politely takes one?

The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace: Part III

And last, but not least, the rules of social engagement:

10.   Make sure to include women lawyers in social invitations (especially when on the road: drinks, dinner, etc.) to the same extent that you would/do their male counterparts. And generally, think of them as lawyers and colleagues, not as women. (Naturally, this rule does not extend to inappropriate jokes, venues, etc.. There, the rule is, if you wouldn't do it with a woman present, don't do it in business at all. Corollary: Don't apologize if you swear in front of a woman, unless you would apologize to a man in the same circumstances. This is an outdated concept that assumes women are not fit for the rugged business world.)

The work/social boundary is a particularly tricky issue because business and social rules are in conflict and there is no consensus on how to interleave them. For example, it is a business norm for the junior person to hold the door/carry the bags for the senior person, and it is a social norm for the man to do these same things for the woman. Because there is no consensus on how to handle these matters, no matter what you do, someone will consider you rude or be offended. You may find it easiest to navigate these rules differently with different women. When in doubt, however (or if the navigating gets too hard), err on the side of business rules in a business setting. If you give offense, at least it will be for rudeness, not for sexism or perceived discrimination.
          As for greetings, stick with shaking hands unless you know the woman quite well and know she is comfortable with a kiss-on-the-cheek/hug approach. Better to be too cold than too familiar when it's work.

I have spent years struggling with these issues and norms. I used to bristle every time a man I worked for/with did something like open a car door for me or offer to carry my suitcase. Now that I'm more self-confident and know my partners and friends better, I find I have different rules for different people. With some, I will allow it because I know it is intended as a courtesy and is not meant to diminish me, but with people I do not know so well, I still insist on business, not social rules when I am working.

The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace - Part II

More observations. For numbers 1 - 3 1/2, see my prior post: The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace - Part I

4.   Respect people's schedules and non-work lives. Plan to accomplish work, whenever possible, during relatively normal business hours. All of us in this line of work understand that we will have to work a lot of nights and weekends, that we have to be available at odd hours, and that we will have to miss family time, vacations, and other personal commitments from time to time. That's part of our reality. But there are times when it is unavoidably necessary, and times when its simply a matter of one person's scheduling priorities being deemed more valuable than another's. Save the crazy hours for when it is truly necessary, based on extreme deadlines and court/client-imposed obligations, not based on poor planning of other lawyers whose nights and weekends are free. This is important to everyone-not just women-but women are often particularly sensitive about commenting on it because they are concerned (justly) that complaints will be perceived as whining or as evidence that women are not able to survive in our workplace.

Consider the following examples:

• How many times have you heard someone embrace both of the following parallel but inconsistent thoughts: (a) "Let's not schedule the meetings for Thursday afternoons because Joe is coaching his son's soccer team this fall. He's sgreat with the kids." And (b) "Jane couldn't make it. I think her daughter has a ballet recital or something. Who knows? Let's just go ahead without her."
• How many times has someone convened a meeting at 4:30, rather than 3:30, simply because they lost track of time and had to go to the gym at lunch, without considering that day-care may have a 5:30 pick-up deadline?

One way to make clear to everyone that family and vacations and personal commitments are important is to be open about one's own. For example, don't just say, "I'll be out of pocket that day" (because you're embarrassed or worry you'll be judged for what you're going to be doing). Say, "I'm sorry. We can't do it Wednesday unless absolutely necessary because I promised my daughter I'd help her move." Be open about your other commitments. By doing so, you validate everyone else's complicated life and make it possible for us all to navigate each other's priorities more effectively.


         5.    Keep in mind that women tend to carry around huge loads of guilt. When we work full time, it is perceived as selfish and a "choice" we have made to the detriment of our children, lovers, etc.. We are constantly battling against that. We feel that we are failing everyone by not having enough time for anyone. For many women, if that burden becomes too great, work will be the first thing we will give up because that is the "correct" societal choice to make and we will be praised for it. As a result, it's important not to add to the guilt load of women associates. 

         6.   Don't make choices for a woman based on what you think she would want. Let her make them herself. For example, don't assume that someone will not want to work on a particular matter because it involves a lot of travel. If you want her to work on it, ask her. Give her the right to make that decision herself.


7. Do not assume that women will get along well with other women simply because we are all, well, women. Sometimes we like each other and sometimes we're incredibly hard on and competitive with each other. Women often get along better with men, particularly women who have succeeded in male institutions.

The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace: Part I

Some time ago, one of my male partners (back then, they were all male but one) asked me for some thoughts on working with female lawyers and how it may be different from working with other men.

Of course, I cannot speak for all women (or any men) or all situations. Just like men, we are more different than we are similar. But risking the sweeping generalization, I identified some loose commonalities and rules. I think they made sense to him. I know they have made sense to a few other women I have shared them with.

I would love to know from anyone who reads this whether they resonate with others, have application beyond law and beyond the male/female divide, and what else should be added.

Here are the first four observations, with more to follow later:

         1. Women tend to need more positive reinforcement and feedback than men. Women want to be thanked and praised, and silence is often taken as proof of failure, rather than proof that there is nothing worth commenting on. This doesn't require much. Just remember to say, "nice job," or "that was very helpful, thank you," and to pass along compliments from others, especially clients. The payback in loyalty and job enthusiasm can be huge. This is very closely related to point 5, to follow later.

          2. Women tend to be more quiet about their accomplishments than men, expecting that their successes will be "noticed." Women frequently will under- rather than overstate their role. This reticence causes two problems. First, it means that women's accomplishments are often overlooked. For example, when it comes to self-evaluations, there is a perception that everyone will blow his own horn and that self-reported achievements must be "taken with a grain of salt." Often, with women, the opposite is true and far from overstating, a woman is downplaying her role in a success. (This is all the more true if there are other women working on a matter who may hear what is said. The intra-woman social dynamic is complicated, and we are very hard on each other when the rules are broken.) Second, when a woman's achievements are not spontaneously "noticed," she is likely to fret about being unappreciated, which can be very destructive.

          3. This is related to 2 Women often will not ask for what they want, such as, to work on a particular case. If they do ask, they are likely to do it obliquely, hinting around without asking outright. It means you have to listen more carefully and be more proactive in offering opportunities. And like 2, there is lots of potential for hurt feelings if women feel they are "passed over" for something they wanted. (And yes, I do think women need to be taught to do these things (say what they want, comment on their own accomplishments, etc.), but only up to a point. It takes time to learn these skills; it requires someone to teach them; and even when a woman does develop these skills, she will rarely be as aggressive and clear as man. There has to be a meeting in a middle. Women have to adapt themselves to male-defined institutions, but men who want to work with women, have to adapt their institutions, too. Neither way of being is inherently superior.)

          3-1/2. There is a perverse corollary to 3, which is that women will often volunteer for thankless tasks if it seems like they need doing and otherwise will not be accomplished. Watch out to make sure young female associates are not agreeing to do too much non-billable stuff that is not going to be particularly valuable for them professionally, particularly house-keeping type stuff (such as, selecting and managing holiday cards to clients, serving on the art selection committee, etc.). If they are doing these things, make sure it is because of a genuine interest and do not allow any one person to do much of it. If it is important to the firm, make sure there are male associates doing similar tasks.

Courtesy

I'm recently back from a week in New Orleans on business. Each time I am in the deep South, I re-remember that it is still a different world, particularly when it comes to men and women.

In the South, the rules remain clear. Gentlemen open doors for women, and women? Women walk right through those open doors. They smile slightly, and say, "Thank you."

In the North, women like me tend to bristle over such things. We toss our heads at the courtesy, an annoyed moue broadcasting the thought, "I am no different from you, why hold the door for me?" We decline the offer: "No, really, that's ok. Please go ahead." The "please" is emphasized. Most Northern men (that forty-odd percent who still hold doors for women), shrug and do as they're told. But others - maybe their mothers were Southern, or more likely, their fathers - continue to insist. And the woman stands her ground, and the man keeps insisting, and everyone gets cold waiting for someone, anyone!, to walk through that door. Someone has to give in, and that's how it feels, like a surrender.

A true gentleman does not insist on forcing his courtesy on a woman. But any polite person - female or not - knows when to accept a courtesy with a smile without overthinking the underlying intent.

I'm still learning this lesson. As a young lawyer, I always stood my ground. "No, no, I can carry that 75 lb bag up four flights of court house stairs (in heels). Don't you dare try to help me." But somewhere along the way, I came to understand, all those gentlemen were my friends, and they were trying to help me. And what could possibly be wrong with that? And what could possibly be wrong with having the confidence in myself to understand that I am not lessened by accepting help or courtesy.

It's all in the intent. And truly, it's almost always good. So when in Rome, or New Orleans, walk through that door already!