Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace - Part II

More observations. For numbers 1 - 3 1/2, see my prior post: The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace - Part I

4.   Respect people's schedules and non-work lives. Plan to accomplish work, whenever possible, during relatively normal business hours. All of us in this line of work understand that we will have to work a lot of nights and weekends, that we have to be available at odd hours, and that we will have to miss family time, vacations, and other personal commitments from time to time. That's part of our reality. But there are times when it is unavoidably necessary, and times when its simply a matter of one person's scheduling priorities being deemed more valuable than another's. Save the crazy hours for when it is truly necessary, based on extreme deadlines and court/client-imposed obligations, not based on poor planning of other lawyers whose nights and weekends are free. This is important to everyone-not just women-but women are often particularly sensitive about commenting on it because they are concerned (justly) that complaints will be perceived as whining or as evidence that women are not able to survive in our workplace.
Consider the following examples:
  • How many times have you heard someone embrace both of the following parallel but inconsistent thoughts: (a) "Let's not schedule the meetings for Thursday afternoons because Joe is coaching his son's soccer team this fall. He's sgreat with the kids." And (b) "Jane couldn't make it. I think her daughter has a ballet recital or something. Who knows? Let's just go ahead without her."
  • How many times has someone convened a meeting at 4:30, rather than 3:30, simply because they lost track of time and had to go to the gym at lunch, without considering that day-care may have a 5:30 pick-up deadline?
One way to make clear to everyone that family and vacations and personal commitments are important is to be open about one's own. For example, don't just say, "I'll be out of pocket that day" (because you're embarrassed or worry you'll be judged for what you're going to be doing). Say, "I'm sorry. We can't do it Wednesday unless absolutely necessary because I promised my daughter I'd help her move." Be open about your other commitments. By doing so, you validate everyone else's complicated life and make it possible for us all to navigate each other's priorities more effectively.


         5.    Keep in mind that women tend to carry around huge loads of guilt. When we work full time, it is perceived as selfish and a "choice" we have made to the detriment of our children, lovers, etc.. We are constantly battling against that. We feel that we are failing everyone by not having enough time for anyone. For many women, if that burden becomes too great, work will be the first thing we will give up because that is the "correct" societal choice to make and we will be praised for it. As a result, it's important not to add to the guilt load of women associates. 


         6.   Don't make choices for a woman based on what you think she would want. Let her make them herself. For example, don't assume that someone will not want to work on a particular matter because it involves a lot of travel. If you want her to work on it, ask her. Give her the right to make that decision herself.


7. Do not assume that women will get along well with other women simply because we are all, well, women. Sometimes we like each other and sometimes we're incredibly hard on and competitive with each other. Women often get along better with men, particularly women who have succeeded in male institutions.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Laws of Men and Women in the Workplace: Part I


Some time ago, one of my male partners (back then, they were all male but one) asked me for some thoughts on working with female lawyers and how it may be different from working with other men.

Of course, I cannot speak for all women (or any men) or all situations. Just like men, we are more different than we are similar. But risking the sweeping generalization, I identified some loose commonalities and rules. I think they made sense to him. I know they have made sense to a few other women I have shared them with.

I would love to know from anyone who reads this whether they resonate with others, have application beyond law and beyond the male/female divide, and what else should be added.

Here are the first four observations, with more to follow later:

         1. Women tend to need more positive reinforcement and feedback than men. Women want to be thanked and praised, and silence is often taken as proof of failure, rather than proof that there is nothing worth commenting on. This doesn't require much. Just remember to say, "nice job," or "that was very helpful, thank you," and to pass along compliments from others, especially clients. The payback in loyalty and job enthusiasm can be huge. This is very closely related to point 5, to follow later.


          2. Women tend to be more quiet about their accomplishments than men, expecting that their successes will be "noticed." Women frequently will under- rather than overstate their role. This reticence causes two problems. First, it means that women's accomplishments are often overlooked. For example, when it comes to self-evaluations, there is a perception that everyone will blow his own horn and that self-reported achievements must be "taken with a grain of salt." Often, with women, the opposite is true and far from overstating, a woman is downplaying her role in a success. (This is all the more true if there are other women working on a matter who may hear what is said. The intra-woman social dynamic is complicated, and we are very hard on each other when the rules are broken.) Second, when a woman's achievements are not spontaneously "noticed," she is likely to fret about being unappreciated, which can be very destructive.


          3. This is related to 2 Women often will not ask for what they want, such as, to work on a particular case. If they do ask, they are likely to do it obliquely, hinting around without asking outright. It means you have to listen more carefully and be more proactive in offering opportunities. And like 2, there is lots of potential for hurt feelings if women feel they are "passed over" for something they wanted. (And yes, I do think women need to be taught to do these things (say what they want, comment on their own accomplishments, etc.), but only up to a point. It takes time to learn these skills; it requires someone to teach them; and even when a woman does develop these skills, she will rarely be as aggressive and clear as man. There has to be a meeting in a middle. Women have to adapt themselves to male-defined institutions, but men who want to work with women, have to adapt their institutions, too. Neither way of being is inherently superior.)


          3-1/2. There is a perverse corollary to 3, which is that women will often volunteer for thankless tasks if it seems like they need doing and otherwise will not be accomplished. Watch out to make sure young female associates are not agreeing to do too much non-billable stuff that is not going to be particularly valuable for them professionally, particularly house-keeping type stuff (such as, selecting and managing holiday cards to clients, serving on the art selection committee, etc.). If they are doing these things, make sure it is because of a genuine interest and do not allow any one person to do much of it. If it is important to the firm, make sure there are male associates doing similar tasks.

Monday, December 7, 2009

And Would-Be Poet



Sometimes I think all lawyers fancy themselves writers. In honor of this weekend's lovely snowfall, here is proof I am not unique:



Thirteen Ways of Looking at Snow

i.
Nothing sounds in the silence
Of the woods
Except each step
Balancing on the surface ice
Before breaking through
To snow.

ii.
Some creatures prefer the snow.
I have seen them in the woods:
The owl and wolf,
Garbed in white,
Long after the butterflies
Have flown for Mexico.

iii.
In the early days
Suffused with joy at the first snow and all else that was
New and clean, she lay down before him
And swept an angel in the drifts.

iv.
When the snow reaches
Nearly to your knees
You will know the leeks
Are strong and sweet.

v.
Wrap yourself in white, if you will,
But you must know
Pristine and fragile as the virgin snow,
It cannot survive your touch.

vi.
Build her a house on the plain:
Build it square and strong.
Build it to withstand the snows.

vii.
A man with a woman
Is one.
A woman and the snow
Are one.

viii.
No living thing has touched
The snows on the far slope
Not even a blackbird.

ix.
At its edges, the field is brown.
But some snow remains
Not just as patches
In the center of the field
But also piled against the woodpile,
Too deep to fire the hearth.

x.
Do you see? She is
Like a single flake of snow
Dissolving to droplets on a glove,
Then darkening the spot just
Long enough to be remarked upon
Before disappearing.

xi.
They opposed her wish to move North,
Saying, “At the solstice the sun will never rise.”
They could not understand
It, seems, that the moon
Reflected on the snow shines
More brilliantly than the stars.

xii.
I find I have no words
That will describe for you
The azure cellophane blues of the Yucatan sea.
They say the Eskimos have thirty-seven words for snow.
How many words for white?

xiii.
I will melt
With the snow silently
Into Spring.